I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
