I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
