Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
