I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
pop tarts are not kleenex
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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