Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
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