What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
