I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
