I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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