I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
