What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
