On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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