Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
