Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
