so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
