Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Welp...herpes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You are a genius and a whore.
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