Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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