Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
