if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
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