there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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