my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
