Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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