New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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