phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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