you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
