Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
