White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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