im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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