genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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