Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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