Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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