i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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