If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
