Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
