Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
