what day is it and did you see me today?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
