Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
