We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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