im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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