I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
