it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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