ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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