dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize