so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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