Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
