Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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