everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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