chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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