You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
