Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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