You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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