if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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