Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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