there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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