So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
