Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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