Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
