By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
