Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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