It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
