can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
