lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
