i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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