that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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