I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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