wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
