hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
