Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
