Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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