Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
