So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Randomize