At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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